DOKUMENTSKAYA EKSTRAKT FOR EYES OF POTRF V. PUTIN ONLYSKI ! TRANSKRIPTENYI OF SURWEILLANSKAYA BEGINSK EKSTRAKT 1705:111224

GOS. SNOWDEN: Linds? Lindsay? Hello?

GAS. SNOWDEN: I’m in the kitchen.

GOS. SNOWDEN: I just got back from the market and got what I could, but there’s not much there. I think they moved a lot of it to the market that Tucker is filming at later, but I’ll go back and check later.

GAS. SNOWDEN: Whatever.

GOS. SNOWDEN: You’re still mad, huh?

GAS. SNOWDEN: I’m not mad, Ed. I’m just . . . frustrated.

GOS. SNOWDEN: So am I! But it’s not like we can do anything. This isn’t our apartment, okay? It’s a gift, from the government. And if they want us to share it with someone, we sort of have no choice.

GAS. SNOWDEN: What. Ev. Er.

GOS. ASSAD: You two are fighting again. This is awkward.

GAS. SNOWDEN: No, no, Bashar. No, it’s fine, really.

GOS. ASSAD: Edward, please. Do not spare my feelings. I know this is an inconvenient arrangement. But I assure you it’s temporary. Also, please, there’s no need to call me Bashar. You are a friend. Please call me Your Supreme Majesty.

GAS. SNOWDEN: I am not calling you that. As long as you’re here you’re Bashar, okay?

GOS. ASSAD: I get it. I get it. Funny, a few weeks ago I would have had you gassed for such impertinence. But today I am humbled and can only meekly demand that your husband strike you.

GOS. SNOWDEN: You know, Basha — I mean, I mean, I’m just gonna call you YSM, okay? So, YSM, I think you might have the wrong impression about this arrangement. We’re, like, roommates, okay? We’re sharing this space — sharing it, okay? — the government asked us if they could use our guest room, and since it’s really their place, we sort of had to agree — and don’t get me wrong, we’re thrilled to have you here — but it’s not like a we-serve-you kind of deal, okay? Do you understand?

GOS. ASSAD: I do not.

GAS. SNOWDEN: Make your own freakin’ dinner.

GOS. ASSAD: Please, please. I fear that this temporary arrangement is causing domestic trouble and for that I am truly sorry. Lindsay, can we start over? I am a man from another time and place, and if occasionally I offend, please know it is never my intention. Also, I am having a hard time getting my government liaisons to provide me with my meds. So. That said. We can be roomies, of course, but I hope we can also be friends. I offer my hand in peace.

GOS. SNOWDEN: That’s very gracious, Bashar. Right, honey?

GOS. ASSAD: You will find, my dear Lindsay, in the short time I will be here, that I am not the monster the media has portrayed me to be. I am a kindly grandfather, a victim, in many ways, of my own kind nature. Allow me to offer, if you and Edward would like to have — how do you call it? A date night? — allow me to stay at home and watch your lovely children. I would love that. And I promise not to eat them.

GAS. SNOWDEN: What?

GOS. ASSAD: It was a joke! A joke! I kid! It’s a fun kind of Syrian tomfoolery! I would never eat a child! Good gracious!

GAS. SNOWDEN: Okay, okay, yes, I get it. And that’s a very kind offer.

GOS. ASSAD: I will also, if you like, teach them how to handle a simple firearm and the uses of sarin gas.

GOS. SNOWDEN: We appreciate that, Bashar.

GAS. SNOWDEN: Not necessary, but yes on the babysitting.

GOS. ASSAD: I am thrilled! As you know, I will soon be gone —

GOS. SNOWDEN: You keep saying that, Bashar, but when do you think you’ll be leaving?

GOS. ASSAD: I am told by reliable friends in the government that already plans are in motion to return me to Damascus and restore my leadership. Maybe a week, maybe two.

GAS. SNOWDEN: Uh oh.

GOS. SNOWDEN: Um . . .

GOS. ASSAD: What?

GAS. SNOWDEN: Tell him.

GOS. ASSAD: Tell me what?

GOS. SNOWDEN: Bashar, I’ve been in this apartment since 2015.

GOS. ASSAD: Dear God in heaven.

GAS. SNOWDEN: This is where they bring you when they don’t want to see you again.

GOS. ASSAD: No. No!

GAS. SNOWDEN: You’re not leaving this apartment, Bashar. No one ever does.

FINISHKY EKSTRAKT

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