Vodka Tonic

In the early days of the war in Europe, there were peevish arguments on the right about the honor and character of Ukraine’s president

The curiously Putinophilic: “We’re being told to hate Putin and love Zelensky, and I’m not going to fall for it!”

Okay. Maybe you shouldn’t watch so much TV, though.

“I don’t watch any of it!”

So how do you know they’re telling people to hate Putin and love Zelensky?

“It’s obvious, everyone is hating Putin and loving Zelensky. I’m saying it’s more complex than that, and the same media that lied about Hunter Biden and January 6 are now saying this thing.”

So . . . did Russia invade, or was that just a graphic whipped up on Rachel Maddow’s request?

“Obviously they did, but you have to understand why. I’m not saying I agree, but you have to look at it from their side.”

Ah, the ol’ French adage: To understand everything is to forgive everything. Of course they said that less and less after the Rhineland was remilitarized. So we should’ve looked at the looting and burning of blocks of American cities by protesters in 2020 by understanding the root causes? Really? Is that a rolled-up copy of a Howard Zinn book in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

It is of course wise to decline to participate in the Two Minutes Hate. The knee-jerk de-Russification of cultural institutions — dropping authors and composers — is preposterous. Striking Yuri Gagarin from the Space Foundation’s fundraiser is idiocy, and a direct result of a twitchy, cowardly culture that topples statues and erases dead authors for their failure to align precisely with the mores of the moment. What’s next, saying Napoleon’s army wandered east for some reason, ran into a brick wall, and limped home?

On the other hand, you can understand why your local liquor store took the Russian vodka off the shelf. My preferred place to secure good hooch had labels on the vodka that sounded Russian, noting that Smirnoff was not Rooskie-owned and Stoli was made by a member of NATO! The Russian Standard brand was gone, perhaps because it was started by a guy who started a bank to get around Russian laws about advertising vodka. He named his bank “Russian Standard.” It’s like First National Maker’s Mark Bank, or Johnnie Walker’s Savings and Loan.

Smirnoff started as a Russian brand, of course, and was notable for its 19th-century marketing techniques. It emphasized its “purity” — in other words, you will not go blind after drinking it, nor will you cough up a leathery hunk that was once your liver — and they sent emissaries to distant bars in small towns to tout its virtues. The representative would enter the tavern, ask for Smirnoff, and if it wasn’t available, leave. People were astonished that someone would choose No Vodka at All? That stuff must really be good.

Now their website tells you right from the start that it’s made in Plainfield, Ill. The store still has to put up a sign. But this store used to sell a vodka that had a hammer and sickle on the bottle, and no one raised an eyebrow at that.

Anyway. Yes, the media are painting Putin in a negative light, but gosh, that might have something to do with him being a bloodless troll who sends his shambolic army lurching over the border to shell suburban apartment buildings. I got into an argument with someone over whether the Ukrainians had overstated the casualties from the bombing of the maternity hospital, as if there were an international standard for acceptable deaths by air raid in baby wards.

Some of this is ornery contrariness: The media said it would be sunny today, so I’m wearing my galoshes. Some of this is indifference to the world beyond our borders: Who cares what happens far away? (Also, remember Pearl Harbor.) Some of it — not a lot, but some — is quiet admiration of Putin, because he’s a patriot. Unlike our leaders today who want to tear everything down and subject America to the dictates of Davos and make our troops wear dresses, Putin speaks out about the plague of wokery and the defense of his civilization. Cue the All in the Family theme: Mister, we could use a man like Vladimir Putin right here. They also have some hot and scratchy Uke hate from the Trump years, and, in a mirror image of the Hate America First camp, regard the 2014 revolution as a “U.S. coup.” They content themselves with Putin’s inevitable victory, hopeful that we can make peace and join forces to oppose China. Glad that unpleasantness is over; sure you won’t have a piece of Poland? Fresh out of the oven. No? Then let’s get down to discussing the important matters of the day — namely, the security of your far-east borders. Which matter terribly to us here in the U.S., much more than Europe does. Eyes on the prize, as they say!

Perhaps people are choosing Zelensky not because the media are beaming thoughts into their brains but because they look at the events and find themselves drawn to the cool soccer-dad-who-played-in-a-rock-band guy thrust into the role of war leader, not the cosmetically readjusted dude with the dead eyes who sits at the end of a table long enough to double as an airport runway.

Anyway, I hope Putin loses. I hope he’s deposed. It would be perfect if he were caught trying to escape the country in a wig and a dress. Not even the NCAA women’s-swimming establishment would come to his defense.