Some years ago, a male friend, “Bill,” told me he intended to visit a brothel in Amsterdam’s red-light district on a bachelor-party weekend. I knew Bill to be a decent guy, the kind who is very good to the women in his life. How could he square that with this callous disregard of other, less fortunate women? “It’s their choice,” he said. I knew Bill had a young niece he loved deeply. I asked how he’d feel if, when she grew up, random men paid to use her body? Would he be consoled knowing it was “her choice”? Later, I was pleased to learn that, on account of this unsolicited thought experiment, he’d had a change of heart.
Today, thanks to the widespread availability of pornography and cheap sex via hookup culture, plenty of men behave as though there are some women (nieces, daughters, sisters, wives) who are worthy of respect while others (porn stars, prostitutes, and hookups) are disposable objects. When the early suffragists campaigned for “votes for women, chastity for men,” they understood that it’s not enough to respect some women. To be a man of character, you must respect all women, including (perhaps especially) those who don’t respect themselves. This code of chivalry was beneficial to women as it recognized the sexual asymmetry that leaves them more vulnerable.
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